Saturday, December 1

blaqk cloud

the other night i had a dream that i found a stray puppy outside our house that looked like my dog. i walked around with him in my arms and i refused to put him down. my mom was standing in the living room looking our our huge window at the sky. a HUGE black cloud was coming our way and it looked like it was forming a tornado. i think it was a tornado, but it never hit land. i kept on saying how happy i was that the puppy wasn't outside in the bad weather. i did want to go outside and observe, but everyone was yelling at me how crazy i was and that we should be in the basement. then i woke up.

---> To see gray and gloomy clouds in your dream, signify depression or anger. Your decisions may be clouded in some way.

---> To see menacing or stormy clouds in your dream, indicates an impending eruption of emotions. It also represents a lack of wisdom or confusion in some situation.

To dream that you are taking care of some puppies, indicates that you are a trustworthy and loyal friend especially in difficult times.

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?


Monday, November 19

He Can Only Hold Her

He can only hold her for so long
The lights are on but no one's home
She's so vacant
Her soul is taken
He thinks what she's running from

Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole?
so he tries to pacify her
Cause what's inside her never dies

Even if she's content in his warmth
She is pained with urgency
Urgent kisses
The man she misses
The man that he longs to be

Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole?
so he tries to pacify her
Cause what's inside her never dies

Saturday, November 3

another year another tear... let the good times roll

well it has officially been over a year since my grandpa died (10/30). my family was sad, of course on the official year mark. i slept in till 3 and laid around watching tv all day. i couldn't bring myself to do anything other than that. life goes on, i guess.

halloween is gone also. last year (obviously) i didn't celebrate halloween. i went to a halloween party last weekend then on halloween i went to a bar all dressed up. this year, i was a zebra. my costume effects were pretty fucking cool. it looked almost... high fashion. well i have another halloween party to go to tomorrow night. no more zebra though. i went to the halloween stores around town since everything is now 1/2 off. i tried on some costumes (alice in wonderland, slutty harry potter, etc) but the skirts came up to my crotch basically so i didn't buy them. i settled on some fake blood, wicked cool eyelashes and some vampire teeth. i'm gonna wear my corpse bride dress my mom made for me a few years ago and turn that into a vampire, somehow. it should be uber fantastic.

i'm done waiting on a boy. it's fucked up and i lost interest already due to him being an asshole. if he comes around again... too late so sorry, betch!

it's november. how did the year go by so fast?

it's over before you know it,

Tuesday, October 16

restless times

i really need a change in life. i'm very bored, lonely, and restless.
i need... my friends, new job, to ace my math test tomorrow, new music discoveries, go to a concert, re-connect with old friends, move away to a foreign land, see my dead grandpa, get incredibly shit faced, travel all over the world, go on a game show and earn some fat cash, and the list goes on and on. most of all i want a guy who i can tell all my friends that i love him with all my heart.
i over analyze too much. maybe i should just follow my heart and ignore what my head is yelling at me.
...or maybe i just need to change myself and not change the things around me.

"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the answer is always there."

question mark,

Wednesday, October 3

peacock dream

the other night i had a dream that i was in my living room and all these baby peacocks were hatching. it was hard not to step on them.
--> To see a peacock in your dream, represents spring, birth, and new growth. It is a good omen, signaling prestige, much success and contentment with your career. It may also be telling of your confidence and even arrogance over your success.
Maybe the hatching peacocks mean that a part of me is trying to re-grow or start over. Then me not trying to step on the babies mean that i'm trying not crush my new growth?

Tuesday, September 25


yesterday i was at my grandmas house painting her deck. she lives on about 2 acres of woodland. she put out some bird seed by the feeder and underneath it. chipmunks came out right away to start eating their dinner. i was standing still about 3 feet away from them. after about 5 minutes i got 1 foot away from them. it took a few minutes of patience for them to adjust to my closeness. after about 5 minutes of that new position i got even closer and sat on the grass. it took even more time for them to get their food because i was so close to it. pretty soon some of the chipmunks came out to get their food, but they were more cautious getting it. i stayed there for awhile and then i got right up to their food pile of seed. to add more of a presence, i held a nice big sunflower seed in my hand. it took a lot of patience this time because they were very iffy. there was one chipmunk the entire time who was the first one to have the guts to get the food. once the other chipmunks noticed that when he was eating literally inches from me that i was no threat, they all came to eat. none of them ate out of my hand though. i put the sunflower seed right in front of their noses, but they pushed it out of their face. i felt them shove it. it was so adorable. i then tried a piece of bread crust. they pushed it out of the way again. at multiple times once the chipmunks were used to me 5 of them were surrounding me. it was amazing. every time i made sudden movement like when a mosquito was bothering me they all scattered away. when i made very minimal movement the chipmunks tail would fan out then when i was still again it de-fan. i think that if i repeated those steps continuously then the chipmunks would be used to me and be relaxed more. i love studying animal behavior.

keep your eyes open,

Wednesday, September 19

dreams really do come true

i attended the blaqk audio show last night. as for the people who don't know them... it is davey havok and jade puget's side band from AFI. it was BEYOND my wildest dream. first of all i got front and center RIGHT by daveys mic stand. the stage was as high as my hips (which is kinda short). davey was literally less than a foot from me the entire show. when he was at the mic he was towering over me. a few times his saliva landed on my face. when they came on and sang their first song something was wacking me in the face. it took only a few seconds of confusion to figure out that davey was whipping his mic cord in the air. it kinda hurt. oh well. all of us in the front row was dancing non stop the entire show. jade looked like a little kid behind the synthesizers. when he came out to dance with davey during 'boys and girls' all i did was laugh. he was ADORABLE. either i was dancing or just standing there in awe at what was happening before my eyes. i rubbed my fingers on daveys shoes a few times (just to say that i touched him). his hand was right in front of my face many times and it was so tempting to hold it. i was scared. that's why i touched his shoe. at the end of the show i was yelling jades name and we caught eye contact. he came over to give me a low 5. then my heart skipped. i stayed about an hour after the show in front of their tour bus. the crowd was huge in the beginning, but as the minutes ticked by the majority of people left. yay. then smith (jades brother) came out to those who remained waiting that dave will come out to only sign autographs. no pictures or hugs. when it was my turn i didn't even know he took my ticket stub. i said "davey, you whipped your mic cord in my face". his facial expression (already from smiling) changed to concern said "i'm so sorry, are you ok?". i don't remember what i said. after seeing afi twice and now blaqk audio once i can finally say that i got to meet him after 6 years of devotion.

this whole experience was like a dream that i'll never forget.
AFI is my blood.
DxH is my soul.

Monday, September 3

two faced people

my tight nit best friends are moving further and further away from me. the thing that angers me the most is that i didn't do anything to cause it. i am done with people who treat me like shit. im keep on giving and giving until there is nothing left to give. when i do that, i get nothing back in return. it sounds like my past relationships. there are way too many jerks in the world. that's what makes me want to move away from here and start fresh. small towns are so awesome. the people there are super nice and friendly. this town used to be like that. then too many douche bags moved here from chicago. damn richies. i'm just feeling hurt at the moment by my best friend.

"I offer grace,
I offer blood.
I offer everything till my heart is crystal clear"

Sunday, August 19


last night i had a dream that i was to be engaged to someone who i didn't really know, but i loved them.

---> To dream that you are engaged to be married, represents sexual or relationship needs. You may be trying to resolve your feelings of loneliness

Friday, August 17

dying dog/stripper pole

i'm keep on having repeating dreams of my pet dog dying. i've had it at least twice this week. last night he actually died in my dream. my dog is 13 years old and deaf.
---> If the dog is dead or dying, it represents a deterioration of your instincts. Also consider common notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty ("man's best friend") and to be "treated like a dog".
i have no idea what that dream means

the other dream i had last night was that there was a pole dancing contest a beach. there was a very tall building that we had to climb up to then go on the pole. 2 poles were right next to each other so my twin went with me. the pole was 5 stories high so we were strapped into a harness just in case there was a mistake. my twin was doing much better than me. i just went down really slow and barely did any tricks. i didn't know which way was down and i was very confused. maybe i was scared of heights. finally my twin somehow came over to my pole and helped me. i reached into my pocket and i had a lot of money in there from people giving me (somehow haha). eventually when i got closer to the ground i stepped my game up and gave a great performance.
---> To dream that you are afraid of heights, denotes that you are striving for goals that seem beyond your reach.
---> To see or use a harness in your dream, symbolizes control and lack of freedom. Perhaps you feel that you are being held back either by your own fears or by others.

this makes sense because lately i've really wanted to move away from here. i'm bored with my everyday life. i want to just pick up and move to colorado or somewhere in europe. i'm scared to move away on my own. since my grandpa died last year my grandma has been on her own and is constantly asking my family for help (since she lives very close by). i also take her out every week for her shopping. i feel tied down by them. therefore, the harness and heights.

Thursday, August 16

dead relatives in dreams

my grandpa died in october of 2006. a few months i had a dream that i was at my grandmas house (she is still alive) with my extended family. they were all standing on the stairs that head to the 2nd floor. on the bottom of the stairs was my grandpa, but he was about 3 feet tall. i got on my knees and hugged him really tight then asked why he was so short. he laughed and said everyone is this tall in heaven.
yesterday my grandma and i were talking and she said yesterday morning she woke up at 8am. she decided to go back to sleep. in that time frame she had a dream that her husband was sitting on a little childrens chair. a big chair was right next to him. he said... this isn't comfortable. my grandma said why are you sitting there. then they laughed because it was silly. she told me it was the 2nd time she had a dream about him when she went back to bed at 8 and woke up at 10.

---> To see your dead sibling, relative, or friend alive in your dream, indicates that you miss them and are trying to relive your old experiences you had with them. In trying to keep up with the pace of your daily waking life, you dreams may serve as your only outlet in coping and coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

so my grandma and i had a dream about him with short things. he was short in my dream and he was sitting in a short chair in her dream.
---> To dream that someone or something is smaller than usual, represents feelings of insignificance, helplessness and unworthiness.

2 days ago i had a dream of my other grandma (who died in late 2004 of Alzheimer's). i was greeting some children at my front door and i heard my dead grandma shouting her own name from the room she died in. her room is the one that you would see directly down a hall (just like the picture to the left). i looked down the hall and everything in the room was white and bright and i saw the outline of her walking out (just like how they have it in movies when angles come from heaven). then she started yelling my mothers name. i gave her a hug and she didn't know who i was. it was a blizzard outside and she just walked right outside into it and vanished.
--> If the brightness is blinding, then it suggests that you are not paying attention to some new insights.

Tuesday, August 7

wolf dream

last night i had a dream that i was in my backyard and a mother with 3 wolf pups made a home in the corner of our fence in yard. i was sitting on our deck and they started to come up to me. they looked intimidating, but somehow i tamed them and they were acting like untrained (but friendly) dogs. one wolf in particular stood out to me. it was white with little light brown streaks on its face.---> To see a wolf in your dream, symbolizes beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social situations and can blend in with any situation with ease and grace. You are a loner by choice. Negatively, it represents hostility and aggression. It may also reflect an uncontrollable force or situation in your life. In particular, if the wolf is white, then it signifies valor and victory. You have the ability to see the light even in your darkest hours.

Monday, August 6

weekend update

friday was full of adventure. Lynzi and i went to mt. prospect to meet sarah jessica parker. she was there promoting her clothing line. well we didn't get there early enough and since there there were a lot of people, we couldn't meet her. we took lots of pictures though. she's so pretty to look at! we were wearing high heels so we decided to give up due to our aching feet. we got back on the interstate to drive to another mall where they had a Hot Topic. we got there in plenty of time for their blaqk audio listening party. the whole album wasn't that impressive. there were lots of stupid young teenage girls there for it. they are too young for our generation. ugh... annoying. well after that we went to MAC and there was this fucking hot guy working there. he came up to us asking if we needed help and our faces all of a sudden glazed over because he was so beautiful. too bad he was gay haha. after that we drove back to our town to sit down for dinner. the rest of the night was dead. no one in town was doing anything so we just called it a night.

on saturday i slept in and in the afternoon lynzi came over to work on our scrapbook. we did our work on the floor of my room while listening to some good music. then we went to my grandmas house for dinner.

today was very boring. when i went to bed the night before my throat kinda hurt and it still did this morning so i slept in until about 2ish. i pretty much had the house to myself so i made chocolate chip pancakes while watching the patriot. after i got done watching that movie i watched the day after tomorrow. then after that i watched rock of love. that show is so funny. rodeo went home tonight. i don't like her... she had too much kid issues. well, after that show was over i made mac n' cheese and watched bend it like beckham. i miss playing soccer. man, today was super dull. well when it rains i get in those moods.

tomorrow i should be getting up early to make some calls and do some paper work concerning the taxi accident that i was involved in 2 months ago. the hospital and doc bills are adding up and i'm sure as hell not paying for them!

stick it to the man,

Wednesday, July 25

moose dream

last night i had a bizarre dream that i was walking through woods (that looked like a campsite). what i was walking on was like a drawstring bridge, but it was only a few inches off of the ground. after i got into the little dirt road town i started being chased by a bull moose. i hate the dreams when you are running as fast as you can, but you can't seem to move. well anyways, it chased be back to the bridge and there were pieces of wood gone from it so i had to be careful. the moose caught up to me but next thing i knew i was riding on top of him. he seemed not to care that i was there. everyone was watching me. then he got tired and laid down. i was trying to wake him up because i wanted another ride.

i looked up what moose means, and here it is...
To see a moose in your dream, represents long life and longevity. It may refer to the elders around you. Alternatively, a moose may also indicate that you can be both powerful and gentle.

so maybe this means that i will have a long life, but it will be hard (the missing pieces of wood). the powerful part may refer to that i'm having difficulties (again, the missing pieces of wood) in my life right now, but i am still powerful and will get through them. as for the elders around me, my grandma is really old, lives across the street from me and is still kicking. maybe she is the moose LOL

Monday, July 23

the end of an era

I just finished reading the last book in the magical series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I could not put the book down at all. I went to Borders on friday night and picked up my reserved copy at midnight. I read about 20 pages that night and couldn't go any further because I was so exhausted. Then on satuday i started where I left off and I read off and on all day until around 4:30am. I made it to page 405 . today (sunday) I did the same thing and read off and on until I finished the book which was page 759. so it really only took me 2 days to read the entire thing. I'm so sad that the series is over. I'm not going to go into detail about what happens or anything so if someone is reading this who hasn't read the book I will not give away anything. I would be pretty pissed if someone ruined it for me. The past few months for me has consisted of everything to do with Harry Potter. I decided to re-read the Order of the Phoenix just to refresh my mind for the new movie. Then i re-read 1/2 blood prince to refresh my memory for the new book. Then the movie came out. I don't really like it. They left out a LOT, but it was much better than the Goblet of Fire movie. Then a week later and the new book comes out. Ohh, but this book is the best. I finally know why everything happened the way it did. I shed lots of tears in certain parts and Snape holds a special place in my heart.

ohhhhh how I wish that the magical world of wizards and witches existed. Having a wand and going to a school that is a castle would be the coolest thing on this planet. I have no idea how JKR thought of the idea of the books. She said the idea just came to her. I can understand that, but there are SO many twists, plots and characters that I sometimes have trouble keeping them straight. I wonder if she wrote the last chapter first before writing the entire thing. If I ever meet her, I will ask her that same question. She is brilliant. It's so cool that the age range who fell in love with these books are from really young children to grandparents. I can't really think of any book that are like that. I just don't know how children can understand what exactly is going on. After the 3rd book, obviously the book started to get dark and more in depth. At the release party the majority of people there were really young kids! I know i wouldn't have gotten everything at that age.
[the countdown for midnight to strike so everyone can buy HPDH]

I sometimes catch myself in my everyday life whispering spells and charms to myself. Like when i go to unlock my car door I say.."alohomora". Other fans are crazy too like that I know. There defiantly won't be another book. I am pretty sure of that. There's a "19 years later" part at the end of the book. I guess all we can do now is each of us can daydream how everyone else lives their life beyond what is in the book. the end- Dawn

Thursday, July 19


i've been trying to stay away from the internet lately. the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows book has been leaking on the internet. i went on aim tonight for the first time in a bit and someone IMed me telling me they know how the book ends and blah blah blah. i got SO pissed. if people are true harry potter fans, they can wait until they can read the hard copy right in front of them in person. i'm sick of those kinds of fans who don't even read the books and just wait for the movie to come out. the movies suck anyway and leave out shit loads of info. how lazy are people?

i like having little random harry potter convos with people. last night i was at a resturant with a friend and someone who he knows came up to us and we all started talking about theories and little things like that. then today, lynzi and i were at wal-mart printing our pictures. on the computer it asks for your first and last name. she put down 'lynzi potter' and i put down 'dawn granger'. when we picked our prints up the guys like "nice names girls". we laughed then started talking about more theories on how the book will end. what will people talk about when the book is over?

i for one, CAN NOT wait to read that book.

accio toothbrush,

Thursday, July 12

ps) i love quizzes

Case number: 001384
ALIASES:dawny depp
LIKES:afi, going to concerts where it's intense and small so everyone gets super sweaty and violent, text messaging, music, singing alone in my car, re-connecting with old friends, hanging with my bestest friends
DISLIKES:the dark, 90's music, veggies
HATES:being in water where i can't see the bottom, mayo, cottage cheese, mustard, self centered people, people who are foul and rude
KNOWN MARKINGS:long eyelashes, little dipper on my cheek
KNOWN FOR:double jointed fingers, bad sense of direction, not paying attention to things, whipping out my flask at random moments
KNOWN CRIMES:kidnapping people and throwing them in my trunk, running from cops in wisconsin and crawling through the soy bean plants, trespassing, public intoxication, jaywalking... blah blah blah
WANTED FOR: flipping off jerkoffs while driving, jumping on a little girls foot on purpose. i get away with everything bad i do.

The Evil Inside
Vital Statistics
City of Residence:chicago area
The Winner Is...
Thrillers vs. Slashers:thriller
Evil vs. Good:probably good, but i like evil.
Ghosts vs. Monsters:Ghosts. most def.
Evil Dead 2 vs. Army of Darkness:army of darkness
Autolycus vs. Ash:wha?
Have You Ever...
Seen a ghost:i like to call them spirits
Played with a ouija board:mine is behind me on the floor then i have my grandparents one from the 1920's like 10 feet away from me.
Tried another method to contact the dead:seance
Visited a cemetary just for fun:yeah, they're creepy at night
Poked the body at a funeral:hell no. that's disresectful
Went to a strangers funeral:yeah. friends grandma
Given yourself the creeps:all the time
Make People Stare
Does your style of dress freak out other people:i don't think so?
Do strangers think you are evil:haha no
Do you dress for Halloween in a month other than October:sometimes!
Do you have any tattoos:yup, one
If so, what & where: wrist
How about peircings (ears don't count):just 4 in the ears
If yes, then where:
Do people roll up their windows when you drive by playing your music:sometimes
Do you have creepy stickers on your ride:nope
If so, what's your favorite:i have ron jon surf shop, nin, some whicked design and i'm gonna be putting my afi one up soon
Ever use a wild hair color:well hair spray colored ones. pink and red
Would You Rather Be...
a ghost/a vampire:vampire. they're hott
ax murderer/strangler:ugh neither
Walmart shopper/Target shopper:target is so much better
Kate Beckinsale/Lucy Lawless:kate is sexy!
Rob Zombie/Sam Raimi:def rob zombie.
in the ground/mausoleum:mausoleums are beautiful but i'd rather be buried in the ground
What famous dead person would you like to meet:lucille ball
What famous person would you like to haunt:george bush. i'd want to make him go crazy and go to a hospital

Tuesday, July 10


first of all i must quote one of my favorite songs hence the title of my "name", the nephilim....

"The Nephilim"
Swing through sadness, tears of joy.
Curse the sunlight.
Arsenic for the girls and boys.
Drink the madness, smoke so coy.
Smile injection.
Serum of a will destroyed.
The seasons change without me.
I remain in shadows growing wings.
The spirit song still surrounds me, in refrain, in shadows growing wings.
Like an angel with two broken wings, reach the sky again.
Like a devil, meant for better things, I will find my place on high.

Sometimes songs can change your life. I have another blog on another site that i've had since 2004. i think it's time for a change and a new(ish) start. i love how i tend to add (ish) on the end of words. it makes no sense, but it makes them more interesting! this is a neat site. i got bored with xanga. there's just so much you can do with that. i had trouble adding pictures and stuff on there and i love pictures. problem solved. on xanga i tended to trail off blabbing about needing to change my nail color or commenting on a program on tv that i'm watching. hopefully, here, i will try not to do that. if i had a drink in my hand, this is when i would raise my glass and make a toast to fresh new starts. it would be better if that glass had some zinfandel wine or something like that in it. mmm... wine! A few weeks ago while i was trying to read a harry potter book in less one week the weather outside was perfect. i took my book, a nice cold glass of wine and sat in my springy seat that is shaped like a banana that hangs from the ceiling of our roof. it was so lovely until the alcohol was starting to take an effect on my reading skill so i gave it up for harry potter.

and this is where i leave off for my first *new* blog.

pixi dust,