He Can Only Hold Her

He can only hold her for so long
The lights are on but no one's home
She's so vacant
Her soul is taken
He thinks what she's running from

Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole?
so he tries to pacify her
Cause what's inside her never dies

Even if she's content in his warmth
She is pained with urgency
Urgent kisses
The man she misses
The man that he longs to be

Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole?
so he tries to pacify her
Cause what's inside her never dies

another year another tear... let the good times roll

well it has officially been over a year since my grandpa died (10/30). my family was sad, of course on the official year mark. i slept in till 3 and laid around watching tv all day. i couldn't bring myself to do anything other than that. life goes on, i guess.

halloween is gone also. last year (obviously) i didn't celebrate halloween. i went to a halloween party last weekend then on halloween i went to a bar all dressed up. this year, i was a zebra. my costume effects were pretty fucking cool. it looked almost... high fashion. well i have another halloween party to go to tomorrow night. no more zebra though. i went to the halloween stores around town since everything is now 1/2 off. i tried on some costumes (alice in wonderland, slutty harry potter, etc) but the skirts came up to my crotch basically so i didn't buy them. i settled on some fake blood, wicked cool eyelashes and some vampire teeth. i'm gonna wear my corpse bride dress my mom made for me a few years ago and turn that into a vampire, somehow. it should be uber fantastic.

i'm done waiting on a boy. it's fucked up and i lost interest already due to him being an asshole. if he comes around again... too late so sorry, betch!

it's november. how did the year go by so fast?

it's over before you know it,
Dawn

restless times

i really need a change in life. i'm very bored, lonely, and restless.
i need... my friends, new job, to ace my math test tomorrow, new music discoveries, go to a concert, re-connect with old friends, move away to a foreign land, see my dead grandpa, get incredibly shit faced, travel all over the world, go on a game show and earn some fat cash, and the list goes on and on. most of all i want a guy who i can tell all my friends that i love him with all my heart.
i over analyze too much. maybe i should just follow my heart and ignore what my head is yelling at me.
...or maybe i just need to change myself and not change the things around me.


"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from our memories.
But the answer is always there."

question mark,
dawn

peacock dream

the other night i had a dream that i was in my living room and all these baby peacocks were hatching. it was hard not to step on them.

--> To see a peacock in your dream, represents spring, birth, and new growth. It is a good omen, signaling prestige, much success and contentment with your career. It may also be telling of your confidence and even arrogance over your success.
Maybe the hatching peacocks mean that a part of me is trying to re-grow or start over. Then me not trying to step on the babies mean that i'm trying not crush my new growth?

chipmunks

yesterday i was at my grandmas house painting her deck. she lives on about 2 acres of woodland. she put out some bird seed by the feeder and underneath it. chipmunks came out right away to start eating their dinner. i was standing still about 3 feet away from them. after about 5 minutes i got 1 foot away from them. it took a few minutes of patience for them to adjust to my closeness. after about 5 minutes of that new position i got even closer and sat on the grass. it took even more time for them to get their food because i was so close to it. pretty soon some of the chipmunks came out to get their food, but they were more cautious getting it. i stayed there for awhile and then i got right up to their food pile of seed. to add more of a presence, i held a nice big sunflower seed in my hand. it took a lot of patience this time because they were very iffy. there was one chipmunk the entire time who was the first one to have the guts to get the food. once the other chipmunks noticed that when he was eating literally inches from me that i was no threat, they all came to eat. none of them ate out of my hand though. i put the sunflower seed right in front of their noses, but they pushed it out of their face. i felt them shove it. it was so adorable. i then tried a piece of bread crust. they pushed it out of the way again. at multiple times once the chipmunks were used to me 5 of them were surrounding me. it was amazing. every time i made sudden movement like when a mosquito was bothering me they all scattered away. when i made very minimal movement the chipmunks tail would fan out then when i was still again it de-fan. i think that if i repeated those steps continuously then the chipmunks would be used to me and be relaxed more. i love studying animal behavior.

keep your eyes open,
dawn

dreams really do come true

i attended the blaqk audio show last night. as for the people who don't know them... it is davey havok and jade puget's side band from AFI. it was BEYOND my wildest dream. first of all i got front and center RIGHT by daveys mic stand. the stage was as high as my hips (which is kinda short). davey was literally less than a foot from me the entire show. when he was at the mic he was towering over me. a few times his saliva landed on my face. when they came on and sang their first song something was wacking me in the face. it took only a few seconds of confusion to figure out that davey was whipping his mic cord in the air. it kinda hurt. oh well. all of us in the front row was dancing non stop the entire show. jade looked like a little kid behind the synthesizers. when he came out to dance with davey during 'boys and girls' all i did was laugh. he was ADORABLE. either i was dancing or just standing there in awe at what was happening before my eyes. i rubbed my fingers on daveys shoes a few times (just to say that i touched him). his hand was right in front of my face many times and it was so tempting to hold it. i was scared. that's why i touched his shoe. at the end of the show i was yelling jades name and we caught eye contact. he came over to give me a low 5. then my heart skipped. i stayed about an hour after the show in front of their tour bus. the crowd was huge in the beginning, but as the minutes ticked by the majority of people left. yay. then smith (jades brother) came out to those who remained waiting that dave will come out to only sign autographs. no pictures or hugs. when it was my turn i didn't even know he took my ticket stub. i said "davey, you whipped your mic cord in my face". his facial expression (already from smiling) changed to concern said "i'm so sorry, are you ok?". i don't remember what i said. after seeing afi twice and now blaqk audio once i can finally say that i got to meet him after 6 years of devotion.

this whole experience was like a dream that i'll never forget.
AFI is my blood.
DxH is my soul.

two faced people

my tight nit best friends are moving further and further away from me. the thing that angers me the most is that i didn't do anything to cause it. i am done with people who treat me like shit. im keep on giving and giving until there is nothing left to give. when i do that, i get nothing back in return. it sounds like my past relationships. there are way too many jerks in the world. that's what makes me want to move away from here and start fresh. small towns are so awesome. the people there are super nice and friendly. this town used to be like that. then too many douche bags moved here from chicago. damn richies. i'm just feeling hurt at the moment by my best friend.

"I offer grace,
I offer blood.
I offer everything till my heart is crystal clear"